As a side note I’d like to say to the family of the departed, I am sorry that there was no other way. Was there another way? People say, people say… yes. They say yes. I’ve heard it. I’ve seen the broadcasts. You know the ones with the sad stories about Johnny and Emily. How they didn’t know how to cope so they turned to something so… weak. Weak, right? Because anything that is not strong is weak, right? Because always the opposite of something is the only other option, right? There is no intermediate between light and dark.. no middle ground when it comes to real life. There are no maybe’s. So to you, family. I am sorry for your loss. 
Oh yes your daughter is gone. Not in the sense that most would say though… hmm does that make me sick? For comparing emotional suicide to the actual taking of a life? Oh but isn’t the death of your person just as much a death? You’re not really there… Your shell is. What is a body but a package to carry you in? Oh but no it cannot be compared. No, no, with emotions there is still reincarnation. There is still the hope of something happening. So I stop with the rhetorical questions. Yes, I mourn your loss. Your real loss. She will not be the same until she wants to be. Oh but that can be so paramount. So difficult. To tread back to something you thought you decomposed. Oh yes, so much easier to shut it down. The whole thing. The stupidity of what might or might not be. You and the world and the emotions that come with being a part of the world. Oh, but yes we have the power to turn that off. So I lied. One for the money. At what cost though? Two for the show. At what cost must we await consequence for. For killing what many say makes us human? Oh, we’re toiling with humanity. That’s what your daughter did. She killed her humanity! What a loss to the world. Another human. 

I’m sorry if I do not sound sympathetic enough. I really feel for you. There was once a time where such things concerned me. The death of someones heart. The freezing of a soul. Captured and hidden away for the sake of its protection. Oh, yes, I would fight such things once upon a time. But things have changed. Yes, people have changed. I have seen too much awful. I cannot concern myself with this. I will apologize. I will send my condolences. But emotions have overruled our judgement. Caused our passions to outburst irrationally. So I had to switch it off. 

I’m sorry mom and dad. Sorry mom and dad. I’m sorry. Call me later on. I might, I might, I might. There is a ‘maybe”. There is a gray. I am not weak or lost or broken. I am just vacuous. I chose a gray, i chose a gray. Call me out if you must. My funeral was short. Few words were said. I felt like I wasn’t even gone. But you feel it, don’t you? I feel it, don’t I? Jesus, find me something.